There was the time when we opted for the D & C  procedure which would seal our miscarriage..

there was the time when the 15-min procedure took an hour in the Operating Theatre because the egg had adhered to my uterus, refusing to be removed..

there was the time when it took my body a way longer time to recover from the procedure than expected..

there was the time when I wondered why me, why us..

there was the time  I told my husband I couldn’t try again..

there was the time I spoke to God and didn’t seem to hear any responses..

But then,

there came a time we celebrated our first year of marriage with much joy – an arduous year but one that forced such growth in us.. growth that we now appreciate..

there came a time we realized that had the pregnancy gone ahead, we wouldn’t have made some hard choices that has since spurred more growth..

there cane a time when we understood (in hindsight) that God’s plan was perfect..

there came a time when we were humbled..

there came a time when we were finally content with come what may..

there came a time when God alone was our only refuge and our fortress..

And now,

this is time to rejoice in the Lord..

this is the time to truly understand and treasure the eternal..

this is the time to move on knowing that we are God’s chosen..

this is the time to be joyous..

this is the time to finally condense the past five months into an entry and start writing again..

For,

there will be time to celebrate the birth of a child..

there will be time to celebrate 10 years of marriage..

there will be time to cross greater milestones and hurdles..

there will be greater tribulation..

there will be greater joys..

there will be greater love..

But no matter what the time was/is/will be, God is.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”  - John 16:33

Nonetheless, it got us rather excited.  I think it wasn’t till the day we went shopping for a cousin’s baby shower that it really hit us – that we would be parents by the end of this year! *gasp* I stopped all my medication immediately and started on a battery of prenatal vitamins. Scheduled an appointment with the gynae at what would have been at 7 weeks (at that time, the baby’s heartbeat would been heard and the growing embryo would be seen on an ultrasound). It was a long 2-week wait to have the first ultrasound.

The day before the appointment was one of anticipation and excitement. We had subscribed to a mailing list where weekly updates of the progress of the baby would tell us what to expect during this appointment – an ultrasound to see the foetus and hearing your baby’s heartbeat. Stepping into the gynae’s office, I was nervous as I didn’t know if the meds I had been taking would affect the baby but I was given the all-clear by the doc.

We then went for the ultrasound. As I laid there and watched the screen, my heart was beating in my ears. My uterus had its 15 seconds of fame as we spotted the pregnancy sac and yolk on the screen. The husband thought it looked like a caterpillar from some angles. We started our search for the little lentil bean-sized fetus. It was then that the gynae finally spoke, ‘hmmm… I don’t see a baby or hear a heartbeat’. And my heart sank… She maneuvered the scanner around in deafening silence and… that was it… I just knew. My heart broke as we heard her tell us that it seems that the baby just isn’t growing the way it should. It could possibly be that I was earlier in my pregnancy than I thought so the baby still can’t be seen. She wanted to scan again in a week.

Today is a week from that day and we have just returned from the appointment. Nothing much has changed since the last scan – no baby, no heartbeat. I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when a fertilized egg doesn’t develop. It also means you get the ‘perks’ of pregnancy (the morning sickness, the growing bigger, the food cravings) without a growing foetus.

The week between was the longest week in our lives but it was also a good one. That week started with grief, disbelief and turned into reliance on the one thing that we knew would never fail us – God. We moved from ‘why us?’ to ‘why not’ He was the one who blessed us with a little bean egg of joy and He saw it fit that it be taken away. And, odd as it sounds, we know it is good.  We believe that He has also given us the strength to endure this. Someone asked me if I were angry with God for allowing this to happen and I can honestly say I’m not. Not because we didn’t want this child but because we trust God completely that His plan is perfect in every way… in timing, in direction, in outcome. But I’d be lying if I said this was easy, bouts of tears are inevitable. But when you have despair on one end and God on the other, what you choose to cling on to is obvious. We believe His love for us is perfect and that He has our best interests at heart. Perhaps there was something wrong with this baby, perhaps it would have been too early and too big a strain for our marriage… perhaps not… but whatever happened, God is in charge and He is good no matter what. The time will come for a child that is a blessing from God and that time would be perfect.

We previously decided to keep the news of the pregnancy to a select group of family and friends during the first trimester. Today, we’ve decided to share it with whoever cares to read. That you might be encouraged…

So what’s up ahead? We were given the option to go through a procedure to flush the egg out of the uterus or to take a pill to miscarry. Both instant solutions but both we have turned down. The last option is to wait  for the body to identify that this pregnancy is not viable and to naturally miscarry. It could take a day, a week or a month for that to happen. In the meantime, I will continue to display signs of pregnancy but we have made our decision… we will wait on the Lord.

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, “FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Romans 8:35-39

I remember us sitting there and taking it all in. It was a space, our space, a little nook to express ourselves and we were excited. Renovation was a surprisingly tedious affair. From deciding whether to use an interior designer to where each socket should be, it was both exhilarating and exhausting f0r us. A word of caution to all engaged couples - DO NOT attempt to renovate (especially if, like us, you’re not using a designer) and plan a wedding (unless you’re extremely laid back)!!

How quickly a year flies by. It is 14 Feb 2010. We’re celebrating the Lunar New Year as newlyweds and strictly adhering to a 1st-year-exempt-from-giving-ang-pows rule (sorry!). We’re both a few kilos heavier, we’ve added a furry member to this family and we’re loving the sweet nest we’ve created.

They say marriage is a lifelong process of compromise and negotiation but when you’ve had the chance to share a laugh over pizzas in a dusty furniture-less room, anything more will always be greater than bliss.

This time of recovery has also been a time for discovery. I’ve learnt that I’m hopeless at sewing but I’m pretty decent at cooking (made easier when you have  a fantastic food critic in the form of a husband), baking and making stuff for the house. I enjoy being with the dog and having friends over for dinner.  I want to start painting again even if the stuff I paint end up kept in the storeroom and I want to keep making new things, trying new things, learning new thigns – unafraid.

2010 will be a good year. Not necessarily physically or financially but spiritually, emotionally, mentally, environmentally, socially and anything-else-ly. 2010 will be a good year…

Oh how quickly the months zip by…

8 months ago, you stood at the end of the aisle and bit down on your lower lip  as I walk to you. 8 months ago, we stood in front of  God, our parents, our families, our friends and made vows to love each other for richer or poorer, good times and bad, in sickness and health… 8 months ago, we were on top of the world…

I don’t think either of us expected to be challenged by these very same vows… We expected to love and be loved, we expected exciting times like moving out and moving in, we planned for the future, we enjoyed the present, we smiled at the past.

And now, we are being tested… For the past 2 months, I’ve been in pain and I’ve been a pain. As my husband, you’ve been by my side through it all. Even now, as we still search for the cause of it all –  for some medical sense, you’ve been here with me, for me and I thank God for you…

You believed me when I didn’t believe I was really in pain, you held my hand as I cried in pain, you sought every possible avenue to try to ease that pain, you attended every event in my absence, you kept our friends and family in the loop, you bore my frustration and despair, you stop me from giving up, you stop me from checking out and most of all, you helped me to cling to God and I thank God for you…

Thank you for stepping up to the challenge, for doing all the chores, for taking care of the dog, tidying the house and for trusting in God and His perfect plan even when I’ve been so close to losing my faith. You always remind me that the strength you have is drawn from God and I must also do the same. Even when we both cannot see where this is all going or learn the purpose of it all, you cling to our Saviour.  We are so small…our spiritual brothers and sisters have been through so much more for God that we should do naught but rejoice… but if this is our test, if this is our lot… then I thank God for you…

I want you to know that I never expected us to have to step up, to keep our vows, to show our faith, to lean on Him and trust in Him so early in our marriage. I didn’t sign up for this pain and you sure didn’t sign up to be a helpless bystander… This has been, to me, a lesson about love. Not as the world loves, but as God’s teachings of love. Whatever other lesson there is in all of this, I wait to learn and I thank God you are here waiting and praying with me…

And this Christmas, as we remember the birth of our Redeemer who first loved us, I learn what love is and what it means to love…

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13

]]> http://thelims.wordpress.com/2009/12/20/thank-god-for-you/feed/ 1 ghitched G&G in party hats 2 - Christmas '06 http://thelims.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/a-good-doctor/ http://thelims.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/a-good-doctor/#comments Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:29:29 +0000 ghitched http://thelims.wordpress.com/?p=43 ]]>

I met a good doctor today. He didn’t give me a conclusive diagnosis, he didn’t prescribe any pain relief  medication but he did something that I’ve not experienced for the past few months through the doors of other doctors  - He listened to every single thing that I felt without judging. He not only listened but he believed me. He not only believed me but he reminded me that i’m not on my own, that my life is not my own and that I’ve got a Healer far greater than any doctor.  I am comforted…

After months of frustration, of not knowing what’s wrong, I found peace today. I didn’t find the answer I thought I’ve been looking for, I found something more –  The reason for why this is happening, not what is causing all of this. Today, I finally know some test results which I’m thankful for, I’ve got clarity on some decisions that I’ve dawdled on, I’ve got lots of good people and things going on around me and I am blessed.

I’ve still got many more doors to walk through before I can even find out what’s going on with me, I’m could have to live with this pain for life but for once in really long time, i’m okay with where I am, what I have to do and wherever I have to go…

I met a good doctor today.

The Cone of Silence is from the movie ‘Get Smart’ (missed this out on the list of our favs but please watch it!!). A conical device that when activated allows you to express yourself to yourself in the cone without fear of eavesdroppers. It can be used for the basics – jumping for joy, crying in pain, cracking a smile or the advanced – revealing a secret, telling the ugly truth, laughing deliriously. I’ve often thought that it’d be a handy device to have. That was till I realized that I was my own ‘Cone of Silence’. I’d never thought I’d have a blog but here I am typing away my innermost thoughts  yet ironically, I’m also conveniently keeping out anything about the physical pain that I’m experiencing, the frustration of not knowing the cause of my temporary handicap and the general anguish I feel about the situation (public healthcare is no care, really).

I’ve got many decisions to make round the corner and I’m dawdling. Yet, one thing I’ve learnt from what I’m going through is to forget about staying in my ‘Cone of Silence’, hiding away from the world, but to redirect all that I feel/think to having faith in God, that all things work together for good. It’s not the easiest of things to do but I think if i took the time (prayerfully) to focus on life outside my own, I might forget my need to always have the ‘Cone’.

A friend recently remarked that it was timely that a 3rd party entered our lives. In hind sight, I have to say I’m blessed. I stay home most days as moving around is too much of a strain and one of the few things. aside from the obvious (the husband), that keeps me sane in the house is this 3rd party. Marley came in our lives and turned it topsy-turvy. He gave us more chores but brought us more joy too. I can say that if not for him distracting me from my physical inabilities, I might have focused more on my pain and experienced more of it too. But Marley came, needing our love & care… He reminds me each day to look outside of myself and know that others depend on me though i may feel that they don’t. Praise God for His perfect plan – Glenn first and then Marley.

Now you might be wondering what this has to do with the ‘Cone of Silence’. We recently sent him for neutering and there were some minor complications to his surgery. He’s taking more time than most dogs to heal and has an exposed wound that he tends to lick. Here’s where the ‘cone’ enters his life, he’s got to wear the Elizabeth collar so he wouldn’t lick the wound. This minimizes infection but he HATES the ‘cone’ (see pic). It’s him SITTING STILL, NOT MOVING and SULKING cos of the plastic ‘cone’  and it’s only Day 1 after he had his bandages removed.

As I snap away with the camera (i’m horrid… i know), I’m reminded of another lesson that this 3rd party & his ‘Cone of Silent Rebellion’ has shown me – Sometimes, it takes some tough decisions for the betterment in the future. As gut-wrenching as it is to see him sitting and not moving with the ‘cone’, it will help him heal faster…

I’m reminded by how I think I’ll soon have to make some tough decisions of my own that seem heartless and are painful but somehow, it will always work out for the better in the long run… especially as a child of God….

And to the Marley who trotted into our lives: SPCA had an ad that said,

To you, he’s a dog. To him, you’re everything.

I say

To you, he’s just a dog. To him, we might be everything. But to us, he’s anything but nothing…

But once in a while, we get some ‘golden tickets’, where both the husband and I enjoy a movie tremendously. Rare but satisfying. For some reason,  we enjoy that many others hate.   But I guess to each his & her own. In case you’re standing at the DVD shelves of video EZY/ Canton videos, this is our list  (in no particular order and from my very very bad memory, some seen together, some separate).

• The Other Boleyn Girl
• Lord of the Rings Trilogy
• The Bucket List
• Elizabeth (both the 1998 version and The Golden Age)
• 300 ( I know, too MTV for many but we love it anyways)
• Little Miss Sunshine
• King Arthur (the husband’s vote)
• Ip Man
• The Last Samurai
• Basic
• se7en
• Lady in the Water (highly disputed, but WE LIKED IT)
• Sixth Sense (sadly, only one viewing possible)
• Young Victoria
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (the wife’s vote)
• Dan in Real Life
• Adaptation (wife)
• Stardust
• Unbreakable (also only one viewing)
• Crash
• A Few Good Men
• As Good as it Gets (wife)
• Troy
• Million Dollar Baby (wife)
• Mystic River
• Austin Powers (husband)
• Unfaithful
• A Lot like Love (wife)
• Up
• Alexander (husband)
• Remember the Titans (wife)
• Drumline (wife)
• Any Given Sunday (husband)
• Scent of a Woman (husband)
• Amelie (wife)
• A Beautiful Mind
• Jerry Maguire (wife)

Not the most exhausting list and I’m likely forgetting more than half of what we’ve seen, hope this helps whoever. I’d like to add a disclaimer that the above list is DOES NOT reflect our character traits & ideology of the husband and I (We just like the movie, we don’t want to be any of them…)

A special note: our first movie together (group date) was Ultraviolet. Possibly the worst movie we’ve ever seen till this day. If you thought 300 was a 2 hour long MTV with half naked men in loin cloths and no plot, please watch Ultraviolet which is a 2 hour MTV of Milla Jovovich with purplish (duh.. violet) and real lame dialogue (see quote)

Quote

Daxus: I have seven hundred soldiers here with me. What do you really think you can do against that many men?

Violet: I can kill them.

Sure, Violet. I We didn’t know you would…

A memorable first movie date nonetheless…

Since the day we said ‘I(we) do’, 2 questions have come up over and over again.

1. How’s married life?

2. When’s baby coming?

The first question, I’m able to answer with ease. Marriage life has been blissful. I have to admit that I thought there would a drastic change, like suddenly the world would seem different and that same world would see me differently too. But, nothing of that sort. In fact G and I kinda eased into the married life. Sure we had the stock fights that come with living together but it was really way easier than i expected. Perhaps it’s because I married my best friend and we tend to do everything with laughter even before marriage…  so having a wedding band round your fourth finger really is just that for me…  Note to the many getting married: there probably won’t be fireworks the day after your wedding (unless you’re planning that in your wedding program) There’s likely to be little or no drastic or explosive changes to your life… but the subtle changes are what I’m sure you can look forward to.

Things like someone who always tell you the food’s yummy (even if you know it’s not), that you’re not fat (even if you look like prime candidate for ‘The Biggest Loser – Asian edition), someone who’ll refill the shower cream bottle without your asking.  In summary, a partner for life who will try to get to know you more and more each day and who’ll remind you not to worry and that God is in charge. Suddenly, you realize that you’re not alone in this world. God’s given you someone who’ll walk alongside you in this pilgrimage, someone who’ll remind you that we’re just passers-by, someone who’ll still fight with you when you leave crumbs on the kitchen island but also someone who’ll laugh with you at the most inane things… you know like Booms…

So that’s my answer to the 1st question… nothing earth-shattering, no fireworks, no Hollywood movie plot  but marriage has been to me  God’s way of reminding me that this world still spins but He has given me a best friend to share each step we take round the sun…

As for the second question, I’ll reply the way my hubby would, ” Baby ah? Yah! tomorrow lor!”